Your Mom ?-?

Your Mom, after battling for many years with being so damn greasy she used bacon as a band-aid, has died. She was...Old.

In fact, she was so damn old that her Social Security Number was 1. In Roman Numerals. She was told to act her own age, and she died.

Damn, she was stupid. She was so damn stupid, it took her two hours to watch '60 Minutes'. One time when you told her it was chilly outside, she ran out there with a goddamn spoon.

It's true that her weight certainly contributed to her poor health. She was so damn fat, she ate Wheat Thicks. She'd go to a restaurant, look at the menu and go, "Okay!" She fell in love and broke it. We're standing in her right now.

But it's true that she was unique from an early age, and was born into challenging circumstances. For instance, the wooden leg with a kickstand certainly couldn't have helped. Neither did the glass eye with a fish in it. Ten fingers -all on the same hand- and missing so many teeth, it looked like her tongue was in jail. The hair on her upper lip was so thick, she could braid it.

Poverty dogged her many days: her house was so small, you had to go outside to eat a large pizza. Instead of a car, she drove a peanut. She'd drive it on down to KFC to lick other people's fingers, or over to McDonald's to put a shake on layaway. One time I saw her kicking a can down the street. I asked what she was doing, and she said, "Moving."

I don't blame her though; her house was so dirty, you had to wipe your feet before going outside.

Possible causes of death include getting tangled up in a cordless phone, or having an arm chopped off and all the gravy running out. In any case, would you just get off your mom, please? I just did!