S. Tom "Red" Tubbler, 1912-2009

Wall boys, ah shore am glad t' be standin' up here in front o' y'all t'day! Those ladies back there n' the kitchin' shore can throw out a fine spread, cain't they? Let's have a big hand for them gals!

I heard one time from a fella I once met that there ain't no kinda barrel like a cracker barrel, and I believe that just may be what brings us all here t'gither t'day! We're just sittin' around here a-whittlin' and a-talkin', and jist no kinda fuss is gonna be made a-bout it! Putcher feet up on th' pickle barrel, pass thet whiskey bottle 'round. No one gon' see it; it's inna pay-per baaag!

I'll never f'rgit th' one time back up in 1931, when I come up all hell bent fer election over that dad-blasted Cabbage Hill down outta Poverty Flats and inta thuh...Inta thuh Pennelt'n there. I had just got caught in a dust n' rainstorm, and I walked inta the newspaper office there in my duster n' Stetson hat, all drippin' and droopy, makin' a puddle on the floor! The man at the desk looks at me and laughs, sez; "I knew if I sat here long enough, I'd see this day!" Then we laughed about it, and he let me marry his daughter!

Where was I? Oh, right: God! He come to me one night in m'sleep, and he taught me how to frame plywood! Joined unions, 'came a journeyman, involved in local organizations n' so-cial functions! Slapped t'gither th' Woodsman of the World headquarters n' exhibition pavilion, and walked a hundred miles!

Later, when the movies come t' town, I set myself up as a stuntman for Tom Mix's horse! Later, after his head was pulverized by the Death Suitcase, I was legal-guardian-in-waiting for his wife! Then the communists came, and we wuz' all outta a job!

I was the first man in the county to build a house on the lake, and I was married to my wife! My children? They're all in there! One of 'em grew up to ride that horse! He jus' looked at me and shook his head, tied 'im to a stick, threw it down a well!

Like any king hell bullshitter'll tell ya', you're only worth your last best story, and that's why I come here to tell you how you really need to drive a Pontiac today! Believe me folks; it really is more car for less money! Or take Greyhound Bus Lines, and let death take another holiday! Good night! God bless!