Sunday, May 13, 2007

Satan Himself, like-a-million fucking years ago-2007

Previously thought to be unkillable, this barely human bag of shit was found with this harmless IPod stuck up his ass, possibly following an attempt to have sex with the damn thing, dead as a fucking doornail.

This war-criminal jackass amused the western world for many years attempting to convince us all that he was the vice-president of the United States. Previously, he wandered around claiming to be Secretary of Defense, leading to the senseless deaths of far too many.

(Update! It now seems that Dickass here, 103, perished yesterday in Argentina, choking on baby flesh. He will be remembered for being an ugly-as-sin personification of pure evil.)

(Latest Update! Now it has become clear that the senile old bastard who killed for the pure joy of it was found both kicked to death and eaten by dogs outside a popular and notorious hangout for others who shared his bizarre affinity for young males in donkey costumes. It seems that maybe there is justice in the world.

When not actively engaged in shooting off his friend's face and making the poor bastard apologize for any "discomfort" he caused the Cheney family, he was storming all up and down the globe, giggling with glee every time an Iraqi baby died, and openly threatening those who would end his fun.

(Oh man! Brand new! This just in: in some misguided attempt to have sex with a high-pressure hydraulic system, this inexcusable joke of a man was then sucked inside the hose, just beneath the nozzle, where he spent his final hours being pulled back and forth in what must have been an obscenely painful manner, finally succumbing to the overwhelming pressure, or maybe just being torn in half, like a slug.)

Raised as the scion of proud Wyoming family of puppy-stompers and pioneers in eating the retarded, he

(It is with great distaste that I must cut short a memorial piece submitted by a reader, no matter how clearly fictional. It must be said for Mrs. Dr. Boddington and myself that we wish we could pick and choose a bit more amongst our submissions, but the cash-on-hand has been sporadic of late, and we perforce will print pretty much anything.
That being said, this column is providing a public service, and for the sake of clarity and Truth we must state for the record that the final cause of death for the Vice President was his own jaw somehow unhinging and eating the rest of his head. Remembrances to be sent to The Foundation for Killing Everyone and Everything on Earth, Laramie, Wyo.-Rear Admiral Dick Wheeler, U.S.N. [ret.})