Ivy "Poison Ivy" Rashbaum 1997-2007

By April Newton, age 9.

She was an evil little girl. She made everybody hate me, and one time she stole my dads cigarettes and told everybody that I smoked them. I got in a lot of trouble and I hated her.

She made it seem like she was such a good little perfect angel all the time, and that I was the one who was being so bad, but all the time it was Ivy who was evil, and I was good, and didnt do anything.

She moved into our house after hers mysteriousely burnt down. Everybody loved her, and everybody hated me. She was so bad to me that my own mother told me shut up you little bitch, don't you know how hard it has been for her.
Hard for her? She killed her mother and mothers boyfriend, because shes evil, and thats just that. Next thing you know, shes got all my dolls and wants more.

So she says my dads cute, and wants to go play softball with him. I says no you cant. Im onto you. She says no ones onto me, and she goes out to the soccer field, where they fall in love. I see what I have to do.
My mom says you selfish little bitch I hate you. If only you were as good as Ivy. I say But her names Ivy! Dont you watch movies? Shes evil, and shes gonna kill all of us! My mom says Im being impossible go to bed.

She made my friends hate me to. They said she was cool, and I was stupid. She taught them to smoke.
One time in the night, she asked me why I didn't want to be friends. I said that with friends like her. She said shut up. She said she could help me. I said help me be what? Evil? She said go to sleep.

My brother thought she was so cute. Hes a moron, but he tries so very hard. She made him cry, but no one cared because they said hes a little baby. Ivy just smiled that little cute smile and said I sowwy or something.

So one time just one time, I hide her asma inhaler, and she wakes up choking and coffing. Then shes not making noise anymore. I hated her so much. The end.

Henry P. Chapters 1918-2007

As a representative of the Standard Reliant Receiving Company, I am using this space to publicly state that Mr. Henry P. Chapters, of 216 Calabash Circle Drive Court, departed our world owing my company $1,068, USD.

Born into a wealthy family in Moorehead, Minnesota, the young Henry amazed all those around him with his innate sense of thrift, a trait that in no way ameliorates my company's claim toward his estate.

As a teenager, he was a tight end on the high school football team. Lucky with the ladies (if not so much with finances, later in life), he met and wooed Queenette Van Halferstram, daughter of a local grocer. She preceded Henry into death in 2002, possibly sending him into a deep slough of despond, causing him to become less than reliable with his monthly payments.

He went to war, along with most of the males in this country, after the Infamous events of December Seventh, 1941. Decorated for his heroism in the brave rescue of other men in his unit by General Douglas A. MacArthur himself, he later would become penurious; uncommon behavior for a war hero.

After the war, he and Queenette settled here in the Tri-County area, where he dedicated his life to a career in insurance. This should have caused him to sock away a tidy nest egg, but for some reason, it did not.

He is survived by his son Vance, daughter Caroline, four grandsons (Mark, Tony, Charles [deceased] and Jonathan) and one granddaughter, Paltrow. Their father/grandfather still owes us money.

Mr. Chapters passed peacefully away on April Seventeenth, blissfully unaware (or possibly guilt-wracked) of his legal duty toward Standard Reliant Receiving Company. He will be remembered as a football star, war hero, adequate insurance claims adjuster, loving father/grandfather, and a man who died owing my company $1,068.

-Mark Chapters, Accounts Receivable