After years of worrying about it, it finally happened. There. Satisfied?No? Didn't she always tell you though? How you'd better look out? How you just can't trust those people? How these days, you just never can tell, can you? No, no you can't.
She always thought the rest of you looked pretty stupid, going about your lives and having fun, when she was the only one who took all this seriously, and was trying to help you, make it better, be safer! But all you would do is say, 'Jeez, Melanie, can't you just lighten up?'
No, no she couldn't. She was try-ing to see to it that everybody got home alive, thank you very much! That's why she kept flinching and doing these little terrified shrieks when you were driving. To help you! YOU'RE WELCOME!
When the rest of you kept on getting up on rocks and climbing trees in the Goddamned forest, she'd stand there with her arms crossed, shaking her head. She knew, okay? You're just being immature!
No one could see germs like Melanie! There never was a mess made that was so small that she wouldn't immediately be all over it, scrubbing and buffing and cursing up a storm about how she was the only one that ever did anything around here, and maybe it was time for a little gratitude, goddammit!
You don't take off your clothes around a bunch of strangers and just go sit in a damned hot tub with them; that's how you get germs! I should know, goddammit -I'm a Practical Nurse! If you think I'm gonna put my goddamn feet in that athlete's foot pit you like to call a Curves (tm) gym, you've got another think coming, my good friend! I know all about those places!
Stairs? Too steep! Ladders? Too likely to fall over! Old people? Hip breakers! Babies? Two words: crib death. Renting? Oh great! You wanna lose all your stuff in a fire? Owning? Fore-clo-surrre...
Americans are too loud, fat and stupid, but Europeans are always eating fly poop on their cheese! Asians just think they're better than us, don't they? Smart little fuckers! And Africans? The AIDS...
So it's sort of amazing, when you think about it. How she thought she had all the angles covered, but then was ultimately done in by a combination of an anvil, of all things, falling on her (it was clearly marked 'ANVIL', on the side), followed by a piano, from somewhere, landing on top of that, and topped off by an elephant that hit the pile with a resounding thud, who then shrugged his shoulders and said, "Eh, it's a living!" Just goes to show; you never can tell.
