All Who Oppose Me (all my life - soon, I think)

(Example Photo)

Yes, yes AT LAST! Victory shall be mine! It shall be swift, and it shall be TERRIBLE!
Skulls will grin lewdly from the door and post of every house of mine enemies, and the sea shall boil. My armies of stormtroopers and wrong-doers will be unleashed upon the unsuspecting world; the result: DOOM!

When, in the fullness of time, the day comes to pass that I take vengeance for all the manifold wrong done to me, bloodcurdling screams shall fill the air, and the cowardly lot who seek refuge will find no safe harbor! On this day, when the world knows the steely bite of my sword, a reckoning will be made, and I will stand triumphant. At this time, I shall laugh and laugh and laugh.

Fools! How did you think you would ever escape my wrath? For what purpose did you engage in your petty business and go about your meaningless lives? I suppose perhaps you thought I would forgive your myriad of slights and insults? YOU SUSPECTED WRONGLY, O SNICKERERS AND JUDGERS-OF-ME!

When the time came for you to invite me to the things that were my due, instead you chose to fail to issue any sort of invitation! It was as though you had not thought of me at all! I hung my head, rent my garments and gnashed my teeth. But soon, it shall be YOU who will be doing the gnashing!

I am the jury, and you, the condemned accused! Your punishment will be...Swift, and meted out! A stiff, stiff penalty! Oh, how you will lament and plead as you suffer! But I will give no quarter, as I sternly look upon you, remembering full well the torments you once gave me.

Like that one time? That wasn't funny. That really hurt me, and when you laughed, it just made it worse. How could you have been so thoughtless and mean? Well, NOW YOU'LL PAY! You fucked up, jack! I'm totally serious!

Shut up, all of you! You darken my days with your laughter and obviously having good times at my expense! And in my absence! My nighttimes are filled with lonely torment as I watch the television and brood darkly. But SOON, SOON THERE WILL BE A PAYING-UP OF THE BILL! I've been footing this one for too long!

I tried to give you my love, and my august approval of you. But would you listen, or even hear me? A thousand times NO! I just wanted to be friends, and occasionally share a non-sexual massage! Or just cuddle up for an afternoon nap! THAT'S ALL! And you said I was 'creepy' and 'unrealistic'! Well, the grim reality is now set to fall upon you all! You, yourselves will be...Creeping away to dark corners to escape the hard rain that's gonna fall! But you will fail in this endeavor, and have to face facts!

THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU! IT'S ABOUT ME! I'M JUST ASKING FOR WHAT'S FAIR HERE! I SEE NO REASON WHY WE CAN'T HAVE A CIVIL DISCUSSION!

At the request of the deceased(s), there will be no service. Funerary arrangements by Kinky's Krematorium, 85568 Oak Harbor Lawn Drive. Remembrances to...The United Nations, I guess.

Innocent Bystander ?-a few minutes ago

An area man (or possibly a tourist) known for being on an escalator in a mall and remembered for his presence in the wrong place at the wrong time, has died.

The cause was multiple gunshot wounds from several different firearms, coming from many different directions, fired by various men, good and bad.

The international jewel smugglers and arms dealers that contributed to the final moments of the victim were rushing away from a foiled attempt at a heist of some sort, trailed by a maverick cop who didn't play by the rules and his long-suffering sidekick/partner. In a lagging pursuit were a no-nonsense guy from the Bureau, and several hapless uniformed cops.

At this time, the victim was traveling alone down the escalator in the mall where this chase was heading. He had purchased nothing, or at least carried no bags. He was alone, or at least there was no one that stuck around after the shots started flying. He had spent the day being unnoticed, and was blandly being shuttled to his demise.

Abruptly running the wrong way UP the 'down' escalator, the international criminals encountered the victim mid way up, knocking him down almost long enough for interested passers-by to note the details of his face, but not quite. From the bottom of the escalators, the maverick cop started firing, unfortunately clipping the victim, who was trying to get up.

Noting that their escape was being hampered by hot lead from behind, they picked up the victim and used him as a human shield while firing over his shoulder. The rounds continued to pump into the victim's chest, possibly rendering him dead at this point.

"POLICE!" yelled the police, who took up tactical positions and also commenced firing, wounding (at least) the victim in the cranial region repeatedly, and the now-crouching international criminals, who responded by indiscriminately spraying the immediate area with small-arms fire, hoping to kill enough people to permit escape. During this fray, the maverick cop's long-suffering partner, who was one day from retirement, was mortally wounded.

At this point, the criminals were completely surrounded by law enforcement, who were firing at will at the victim, propped up like a grisly rag doll while the cowardly villains crouched behind him, occasionally taking pot shots. It seemed for a while there that the victim was being kept upright only by the overwhelming amount of bullets impacting him from so many directions, despite being quite dead.

The no-nonsense suit from the Bureau arrived unheralded at the top of the escalator (it remains a mystery how), and decided that enough was enough, dammit, upon which he produced a white phosphorus grenade, which he activated and tossed into the bleeding, quivering mass of flesh in the center of the escalator. A large explosion with resultant skin-clinging fire was the result, putting a final finish on what remained of the victim at this point, but allowing the international criminals to escape in the confusion, somehow, despite being badly wounded themselves.

The maverick cop was consoling his dying partner and cursing God at this time, the few surviving uniformed cops were running toward the exits, and the no-nonsense Bureau man threw down his riot helmet and yelled "DAMMIT!!!".

Remembrances of this immediately-forgotten man were unavailable, as at that point the story-arc moved into a subplot about the maverick cop's ballbreaking ex-wife being killed -and his adorable grade-school age daughter kidnapped- by the international criminals, leading to an exciting standoff at a recognizably famous national monument.

The Fabulous Techniques 1988(?)-2008

Let the rockin' good times party people bow their heads in sorrow, and maybe tip a forty to the memory of these dead 'homies', The Fabulous Techniques. They've been 'knockin' 'em dead' for twenty years, and now...Well, they're with Elvis, Buddy Holly, Jim, Jimi and Janis in the big Rock n' Roll band in the sky!

Available for corporate events, celebrations of life, comings-of-age and civil unions, they played the kind of music that everybody could sing along to, and nobody could possibly object to. This was music for when you're on the job, and needed something to hum, keep your toe tappin'. When you yelled out "Freebird!" after a few too many brewskis, and needed a band that could go right into it perfectly, note for note.

Originating in the jazz/fusion scene around San Diego in the early '70's, they got their start as the Jim Gelman Odyssey. After two unsuccessful albums (1973's Ode to Captain Miracle and 1975's Encounter Group Jam) on a small local label (Reeferences), they disbanded and found work in the insurance industry. It was 1978, during the 'disco' times, that they found their way back into all of our hearts.

As a house band at the legendary basement nightclub Ludee's, there among the shag-carpeted (now as "Shag and the Carpets", a humorous reference to the decor) confines, they found their way, and carved out a new type of cover band. When Ludee's closed due to unpaid rent and drug rumors, they went back to the ol' woodshed ("We've always been a garage band, but my mom keeps tellin' us to quiet down out there!" Jim Gelman (far right in photo) once, said, with his trademark sense of humor).

In the early '80's, every hep cat could be found hanging out at Rockin' Rudy Tutti's Nifty Fifties Soda Shoppe n' Sock Hop on the Strip! And so could Jim and the Boys! This time they were named "Jimmy and the Chantrelles", not having heard of the popular and expensive mushroom of the same name. They greased their hair back, wore leather jackets and pegged jeans, and effectively epitomized the '50's ideal of "cool"!
The place sold "malts", "shakes" and "burgers" and "fries": all the things that remind you of the good old days back when we all were teenaged! Remember when? They played all the best tunes, until the management decided to go with a jukebox, then recorded music, then finally closing the business in 1986.

At this point, grizzled veterans of the road, journeymen musicians and axemen...Bards, if you will, they decided to form the ultimate tribute to their skills and the rock era itself: The Fabulous Techniques! Around this time, they made the acquaintance of one Gordon "Rusty" Feldkirsch (second from right in photo).

Rusty was another old hand in the music business. Having come up through various workshops and studio projects, he was the "sex symbol" of the band. He knew many people in the Jewish community, too, so suddenly "gigs" were rolling in!
Mitzvahs both bar and bat, weddings that involved knowing what to play during a hora, sophisticated in-between-song humorous patter, they had it all! It seemed their star ("...of David?" Haw! That Jim!) would never fall!

And for twenty years, it went that way. They never played a song that somebody didn't like. Their repetoire of twenty-some songs (including a stunning version of Mr. Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline"!) always got everybody up on their feet, and even when they would play the occasional controversial song from the radical '60's (as in The Doors' "Touch Me"), they did it with a smile on their faces, as if to let you know that everything was cool, and everybody was just trying to have a good time.

The fact that they could be felled by something as random and bizarre as contagious, deadly rosacea (contracted from Rusty; you can see the beginnings of what would be all their dooms on his right cheek in the photo) in no way takes away from the lasting legacy of musical quality and darn it, just makin' people happy thank you very much, that they leave behind.
The sons of Jim, Tony Dowes (second from left), Lou Cross (far left) and Art "Saxophone" Persipple (0n sax) have already made firm plans to continue the tradition, as The Fabulous Techniques II, with a more up-to-date, 'hip-hop' urban sound.

Rock In Peace! Remembrances may be made to the California State Republican party.

Ken "Kenny" Kennerson, 1963-2008

It would come as no surprise were you to look at the accompanying photo and scream, "NOOO!!!" How could anyone, you are thinking, so young and so boyishly handsome ever be passed on? How can the world survive under the sort of God that would allow this to happen?
What possibly could God have been thinking, if not maybe selfishly thinking only of his own comfort and not that of Kenny and his family!

He went to school right here in town, and was always proud to say it to all and any who would listen. All the teachers loved him, and if you run into anyone at all who went to school with him, they will immediately burst into tears remembering what an exceptional and handsome boy he was.


He loved his six children very much, as well as wives Charleene, Donnatella, Margice and McLeeanne. Also his other "wives" like...Suedell and many other too numerous to mention.

His love of hunting, fishing, the Lord, America and Football were noted by many. He loved to hang out with "the guys"! He had a job that he worked very hard at, and inspired the many others who he worked with to do the same!
When he was 14, he won a trophy! It was for the Dissemination of Good Citizenship from the Knights of Saint Urho, and he stood up there and just looked so proud, he didn't take off his tux for a month! Later, he would do the same after his third marriage.

His lifelong love of fast driving and cars kept him healthy and alert. His collection of racing jackets was a great source of pride. Once, he met a famous NASCAR racer whose name escapes me. He was so excited!

He was a "chocoholic"! Beer was one of his favorite things! A good hamburger always made him smile, and hot dogs too!
Baseball! Apple pie! Chevrolet! All of these he loved! Remember this great and unique man!

His collection of beer cans, shot glasses and matchbooks from fancy hotels kept him entertained, this is for sure. He was quiet but loving. Didn't say a lot to his kids but they knew their "daddy" cared about them alot! His wives didn't understand him, much to his chagrin, so he moved around sort of , from woman to woman. He

He was a proud member of the Boy Scouts of America. His legal name was Kenneth, but he always told everybody, "Call me Kenny!"
Now he's gone home to Heaven, which so many do not believe in These Days. But Kenny, unlike so many, was a Christian. He also served in the Army, but he didn't like to talk about that.

He was a good boy but that doesn't mean he didn't have a "rebellious streak"! He grew his hair so long in his teens that his grandfather (deceased) said, "Who's that pretty girl out there?" He liked rock n' roll music and was known at times to smoke "pot". It's all good though. Kenny had a good head on his shoulders and was a good man.
Sometimes he'd go out, get his load on and get in a fight. But then when we'd pick him up from jail in the morning, he'd be sitting there crying and asking why he was alive, so I knew he'd learned his lesson.

He was a Democrat in the Seventies, a Republican in the Eighties, a Democrat again in the Nineties and was a strong supporter of President George W. Bush after the attacks of September Eleventh until about six months ago. He voted for Obama.
His tee-shirts were always folded. He liked to say, "I call 'em like I see 'em."

The circumstances of his death needn't be dwelt upon here. Those who knew Kenny got what they had coming, and they knew it. he
His burial will be accompanied by a twenty-one gun salute, and music by the National Air Guard band. I will be weeping softly, dignified, as I am handed the folded-up flag there.

Satan Himself, like-a-million fucking years ago-2007

Previously thought to be unkillable, this barely human bag of shit was found with this harmless IPod stuck up his ass, possibly following an attempt to have sex with the damn thing, dead as a fucking doornail.

This war-criminal jackass amused the western world for many years attempting to convince us all that he was the vice-president of the United States. Previously, he wandered around claiming to be Secretary of Defense, leading to the senseless deaths of far too many.

(Update! It now seems that Dickass here, 103, perished yesterday in Argentina, choking on baby flesh. He will be remembered for being an ugly-as-sin personification of pure evil.)

(Latest Update! Now it has become clear that the senile old bastard who killed for the pure joy of it was found both kicked to death and eaten by dogs outside a popular and notorious hangout for others who shared his bizarre affinity for young males in donkey costumes. It seems that maybe there is justice in the world.

When not actively engaged in shooting off his friend's face and making the poor bastard apologize for any "discomfort" he caused the Cheney family, he was storming all up and down the globe, giggling with glee every time an Iraqi baby died, and openly threatening those who would end his fun.

(Oh man! Brand new! This just in: in some misguided attempt to have sex with a high-pressure hydraulic system, this inexcusable joke of a man was then sucked inside the hose, just beneath the nozzle, where he spent his final hours being pulled back and forth in what must have been an obscenely painful manner, finally succumbing to the overwhelming pressure, or maybe just being torn in half, like a slug.)

Raised as the scion of proud Wyoming family of puppy-stompers and pioneers in eating the retarded, he

(It is with great distaste that I must cut short a memorial piece submitted by a reader, no matter how clearly fictional. It must be said for Mrs. Dr. Boddington and myself that we wish we could pick and choose a bit more amongst our submissions, but the cash-on-hand has been sporadic of late, and we perforce will print pretty much anything.
That being said, this column is providing a public service, and for the sake of clarity and Truth we must state for the record that the final cause of death for the Vice President was his own jaw somehow unhinging and eating the rest of his head. Remembrances to be sent to The Foundation for Killing Everyone and Everything on Earth, Laramie, Wyo.-Rear Admiral Dick Wheeler, U.S.N. [ret.})

Ivy "Poison Ivy" Rashbaum 1997-2007

By April Newton, age 9.

She was an evil little girl. She made everybody hate me, and one time she stole my dads cigarettes and told everybody that I smoked them. I got in a lot of trouble and I hated her.

She made it seem like she was such a good little perfect angel all the time, and that I was the one who was being so bad, but all the time it was Ivy who was evil, and I was good, and didnt do anything.

She moved into our house after hers mysteriousely burnt down. Everybody loved her, and everybody hated me. She was so bad to me that my own mother told me shut up you little bitch, don't you know how hard it has been for her.
Hard for her? She killed her mother and mothers boyfriend, because shes evil, and thats just that. Next thing you know, shes got all my dolls and wants more.

So she says my dads cute, and wants to go play softball with him. I says no you cant. Im onto you. She says no ones onto me, and she goes out to the soccer field, where they fall in love. I see what I have to do.
My mom says you selfish little bitch I hate you. If only you were as good as Ivy. I say But her names Ivy! Dont you watch movies? Shes evil, and shes gonna kill all of us! My mom says Im being impossible go to bed.

She made my friends hate me to. They said she was cool, and I was stupid. She taught them to smoke.
One time in the night, she asked me why I didn't want to be friends. I said that with friends like her. She said shut up. She said she could help me. I said help me be what? Evil? She said go to sleep.

My brother thought she was so cute. Hes a moron, but he tries so very hard. She made him cry, but no one cared because they said hes a little baby. Ivy just smiled that little cute smile and said I sowwy or something.

So one time just one time, I hide her asma inhaler, and she wakes up choking and coffing. Then shes not making noise anymore. I hated her so much. The end.

Henry P. Chapters 1918-2007

As a representative of the Standard Reliant Receiving Company, I am using this space to publicly state that Mr. Henry P. Chapters, of 216 Calabash Circle Drive Court, departed our world owing my company $1,068, USD.

Born into a wealthy family in Moorehead, Minnesota, the young Henry amazed all those around him with his innate sense of thrift, a trait that in no way ameliorates my company's claim toward his estate.

As a teenager, he was a tight end on the high school football team. Lucky with the ladies (if not so much with finances, later in life), he met and wooed Queenette Van Halferstram, daughter of a local grocer. She preceded Henry into death in 2002, possibly sending him into a deep slough of despond, causing him to become less than reliable with his monthly payments.

He went to war, along with most of the males in this country, after the Infamous events of December Seventh, 1941. Decorated for his heroism in the brave rescue of other men in his unit by General Douglas A. MacArthur himself, he later would become penurious; uncommon behavior for a war hero.

After the war, he and Queenette settled here in the Tri-County area, where he dedicated his life to a career in insurance. This should have caused him to sock away a tidy nest egg, but for some reason, it did not.

He is survived by his son Vance, daughter Caroline, four grandsons (Mark, Tony, Charles [deceased] and Jonathan) and one granddaughter, Paltrow. Their father/grandfather still owes us money.

Mr. Chapters passed peacefully away on April Seventeenth, blissfully unaware (or possibly guilt-wracked) of his legal duty toward Standard Reliant Receiving Company. He will be remembered as a football star, war hero, adequate insurance claims adjuster, loving father/grandfather, and a man who died owing my company $1,068.

-Mark Chapters, Accounts Receivable